Conrad Liu

I’ve always been a caretaker. That’s definitely my nature. And while I have not personally experienced a parent’s cancer, a lot of my friends did have this experience and I wanted to be that support system for them. So when Scatter and Anchor, two counselors at the time, were just shouting at random people over at the Kesem barbecue that they hold every year on East Campus, I came over, found out about Kesem, and just applied.

What drew me in was the community. A lot of people say that, but I can only further attest to how powerful that community and space is and how it can make you feel. I remember buying into Kesem so quickly, going to our training four years ago and thinking that this was THE PLACE where I was going to find my home, where I was going to find an unbelievable amount of empowering individuals who would inspire me day in and day out to be a better person. This incredible community was only further motivation to stay involved. And that first year was really unique, it was the first year that Duke and UNC had split up from Camp Kesem-North Carolina and so we were in this weird position where a lot of people before us knew what Kesem was like and they were all upperclassmen, and then there was us, the freshman, who had no idea what was going on and what this community is and how we were going to keep Camp Kesem-Duke’s legacy alive. And so being in that new environment was nerve-wracking, I would see all these people who were so willing to put themselves out there and be goofy but I was never like that, I was always very composed. And so when the time for camp came, I remember getting a text from our director at the time, Scatter, just asking to make sure if I was still coming to camp. I remember in that moment, trying to come up with an excuse, any excuse, to not go to camp because I was so nervous and had no idea what I had signed up for, for what I would face, and if I was even prepared to be in this space. But now I’m so thankful that I wasn’t able to come up with an excuse because Kesem has changed my life.

That first morning of camp, I remember waking up having not had any sleep from the night before. I was just so nervous. I had two campers coming in that day, one veteran and one new, and I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to facilitate them getting along. I was also in HAP, the oldest age group, and didn’t know how they would see me, maybe as a friend, or maybe as a person of authority, it was just this weird power dynamic. Then I saw Crackle doing backflips at the front of the parking lot and seeing all the counselors running and screaming at the cars and getting all the camper’s luggage and the smiles on the kids faces as they were driving up and it was so great. And then I remember meeting my campers, Mackenzie and Serenity, who are now best friends, and how I got lost trying to show them to the cabins because I didn’t know where anything was, and how they teased me, and just how they weren’t scared to open up and be themselves around me, I loved that. That first day was such a wild adventure and I couldn’t wait for the rest of the week to be just like that.

I think Kesem allows you to be yourself because you’re thrown into this community where everyone is comfortable with themselves and it’s a judgement-free zone. You’re never judging someone for their experiences or for who they are. Who you are is celebrated in every way, if you like a certain music group or Pokemon, whatever makes you you is celebrated in full and I don’t think that is something that can be found in any other community because of the level and capacity in which it happens at Kesem. Every single aspect of you, every single part of you, is loved and cherished and admired and brought out. People around you are always saying “Tell me more about why you love this” or “Tell me more about what makes you, you” just learning more about you so that they can celebrate everything. I remember this past year at camp, we had a camper, Joshua, who dressed up in his Star Wars costume and came out on stage during breakfast one morning with it and everyone literally dropped everything and stood up and clapped and cheered and was screaming and hooting. Wow, this kid probably felt so special right because this is something that he loves and this is who he is and everyone just loves it. Everyone finds a friend and you have a family and a home in Kesem and that’s so apparent the minute that you enter this community, the second that you set foot on this campsite. 

And there are so many stories that just show how loved you are at camp. I remember that first year when Flame was missing Color Wars because he was acting up and running around squirting purple paint on everyone and all over the deck and Dill and I were trying to calm him down. We followed him everywhere and I remember finally getting him in the dining hall where he just didn’t want to move or do anything and I was so flustered and confused because I didn’t know whose camper he was, I wasn’t his counselor, and I really had no idea how to work with him. I was so out of my element. Then Crackle comes in and tells him that he’ll race him outside and Flame just bought into it. I didn’t even think about that but to be inspired by another counselor that easily by the way that they interact with the kids, by being kids themselves, it showed me the empathy and the compassion that everyone at camp has. And it’s the campers too, I remember Otis, a camper who I hadn’t really talked to as he was one of the older kids, was graduating that first year and he and his best friend Jason were the angels of camp who made everyone feel welcome and would include everyone in whatever activity. I didn’t really talk to Otis because I wasn’t a guy counselor and we never said more than a couple words through the activities throughout the week but on that last night, when I had to leave for FAC training, as I was handing out the envelopes with letters to our campers, he pulled me aside and said, “Hey Cabbage, I just want to let you know that even though we haven’t talked much, I truly appreciate you and love you. Thank you for all that you do and for making our counselors and campers feel so great. I know my sister talks really highly of you and I really appreciate that.” and we just sat to the side for another 30-40 minute having a great heart-to-heart and that night I wrote him a really long letter that he still keeps at his bedside table because that was something that made him realize that he can have an impact on someone too, and it can be a counselor. That’s touching, to be able to appreciate a camper who has made a lot of other campers feel great. 

That second year during Empowerment, a time where we get together as a camp and you’re given the space to talk about the underlying situation that unites everyone, the campers who had graduated and came back as Counselors-In-Training (CITs) went up during their “age-group sharing” and instead of talking about their stories, they started talking about how much Kesem means to them and told all the campers to take Kesem in and to be open to it and let it transform you and to let it open you up to this community of people who were going to love and support you no matter what. I realized in that moment, for once in my life, that these kids were not being empowered, they were doing the empowering and honestly that’s such a pure thing. On the surface, Kesem is something that brings all these individuals together because they have this shared experience of a parent’s cancer and that is something so ugly and that no kid should ever have to experience, but coming to camp in a place where they can share that and a place where they’re not obligated to talk about it at all if they wish, is just so special. To be in a place without the heavy label of “Kid whose parent has cancer” where others treat you differently- like stepping on broken glass- is refreshing. Camp is a great way for them to be free of those labels and be in a place where they can fully be themselves and that’s something that the counselors and campers both help facilitate.

And while Kesem is fun, the magic of camp is more than the fun. One year we had a camper who was on the spectrum and I just remember how his counselor, Cuatro, worked with him. Cuatro has worked with special-ed kids for a while but seeing the sacrifices that people do in Kesem for their campers is really special. Cuatro absolutely loved working with him even though he wasn’t able to participate in Color Wars or do night bonfires because his camper needed to go to sleep at 7 and Cuatro would stay with him all night long. Having to make all those sacrifice, I thought someone would get really salty or pissed that they wouldn’t be able to do all the fun stuff because camp is a week of our lives and yeah the counselors might want to do some of that too. But just hearing Cuatro talk about how it was a privilege for him to be selected to work with his camper embodied a lot of the counselor mentality. Counselors at camp are doing everything they can for their campers not for any sort of external validation but just because they have this pure heart and what they’re doing is best for their camper. I’ve seen it time and time again as a counselor and a director, that this community is filled with some of the most amazing people. There are no other words to describe it: Kesem is pure.

And Kesem is magic, I know we say that a lot but that’s just because there’s no other adequate description to describe Kesem. That first year in HAP we did something called Hopes and Fears, where you write a hope and fear on pieces of paper and trade them and read them. One of the things that stuck out to me in that activity was seeing the campers cry. It was the first night and I didn’t think that these campers would be so vulnerable. “I’m afraid that my dad won’t ever be able to walk me down the aisle” that fear just immediately caused so many people to start crying but in that moment that fear was tossed into the fire and it felt like a burden had been lifted all our shoulders and we all acknowledged that this was a fear but we all feel it and we all empathize and whatever happens, we’re here for each other. And then, “I hope to be someone who can help a family cope with cancer one day by being an oncologist.” That very much portrayed the two distinct ends of the spectrum of what Kesem makes you feel. You can feel so scared about a cancer diagnosis but then be so inspired to do good in this world and seeing that turnaround from fear to hope and determination truly was that Kesem magic and in that moment I was so inspired.

The reason why I’m involved, the reason why I’ve done so much for Kesem in these past four years, is that I want to give back to this community at least a fraction of what it has given me. I’ve had the chance to serve as a Development Coordinator, as a Head Karl, and now as a director. Being in this position has been challenging and I’ve learned a lot through it, but it’s also been so rewarding to see our community grow. Everything that I’m doing now, I don’t even know if it’s going to amount to what Kesem has done for me. Kesem has been there for me in my most trying times and my times of need. Kesem has shown me again and again just how pure hearted and caring these people are, being able to care for people that they’ve only just met. In just four short days, you can have an impact on someones life and realizing that this is my last year is so hard, I don’t know how I’ll be able to let go. 

So to the new counselors, hold on. This community is not just magic. This community is empowering. This community heals. Open up and let this community teach you how to love. And don’t be afraid to get out of your comfort zone, this is a space where it’s ok to be nervous, but, if you just open up, this community can and will change you. To returning counselors, thank you. Every little thing that you have done has not gone unnoticed, you are valued and experienced and what you do means so much. And if you think for a second that you haven’t changed someone’s life, know that you have changed mine and I don’t think that any other community in the world can do that at this level.

Kesem means the world. You are healed by the people in this community because Kesem is just so pure, I think Kesem has taught me what it means to love so purely and so genuinely and through the most incredible people. To be healed be healed instantly by a smile, to be in this community, it just makes you a better person. These people have transformed me and impacted me in ways that I can’t even begin to imagine and it goes beyond camp. There’s a phrase that goes “Until there’s a cure, there’s a camp”, but I don’t believe that. I believe that Kesem will be there regardless of a cure because of the community it serves and the people it brings in and it will only continue to grow in diversity and inclusivity. Kesem will always be there for you, no matter where you are, no matter who you’re with, no matter what space you’re in. This is more than just a week in the summer, this is a lifelong resource.

-Yesha “Cabbage” Desai, Duke University Class of 2020

To hear about the Dino Egg Hunt metaphor and more empowering stories of camp, check out the full interview with Cabbage below!