Conrad Liu

I don’t have a personal connection to cancer, but what drew me into Kesem was the community. Like many others, I had a couple of friends in my freshman/sophomore year who were involved with Kesem and I remember hearing a lot about it. One common thread about everyone involved with Kesem that I knew was that they were just different from any other people that I had met at UNC, which drew me in. When I finally joined my sophomore year, I immediately fell in love with the people. We serve some of the most amazing and unique campers that are just different and it was the first time at UNC that I felt like I had found a community of people that understood me and felt at home. That’s ultimately why I joined. 

When I joined Kesem, the very first thing I did was go into a naming circle. Some people I had known in Kesem had already planned out some names for me but Gauze was the only one that stuck and that’s how I got my name. Even though our names might be a little weird, this name has become another part of who I am and I resonate with it even today. The naming circle, was just one of the many things that got me excited about the community and it gave me the first hint of what camp would be like with its strong bonds.

For people who don’t know much about Kesem and camp, it’s not a cancer camp. That’s a misconception that a lot people have and they think that it’s our goal to just talk about cancer the whole week and dwell on it. It’s very much the opposite. Camp Kesem is a week of fun and a time to just be a kid. I still remember my first day when I realized that no amount of training could have possibly prepared me for what I was going to experience. Right away I realized that and the first day was very much a learning curve. But, by the end of it, I was pretty comfortable.

Even though it’s not a camp focused on cancer, Empowerment is a time set aside in the week where we acknowledge the shared background and experience’s that our counselors and all our campers have. To set the mood for this space we start off with an activity called Taps where everyone stands in two circles and you take turns walking in the inner and outer circle and someone reads statements like “Tap someone who made you smile today” or “Tap someone who made you laugh this week” or “Tap someone who you trust” and it’s a really powerful experience where you suddenly realize the impact you’ve made on all the people around you that you didn’t even know. After that activity we go into this shared space where you sit with your age group and go up in front of everyone and have the chance to share your personal experiences with cancer. It was in this space that I realized just how mature these kids are just from all of struggles that they deal with. My age group (10-11) is one those groups where you can go a whole week without mentioning cancer and then suddenly one of them will grab the talking stick and start talking about how they’re confused about what’s going to happen to their mom or how they don’t understand what’s going on and just process these emotions in a very mature and perceptive way. One of my campers had a twin brother in our age group and while they had never mentioned cancer the whole week, what struck me when they both chose to share was more than just their stories but how they supported each other and how those around them supported them as they shared. This space is truly an emotional release from all the exhaustion from the week but it’s at this moment that you realize how important everything we’re doing is. 

As for why we’re able to discuss such serious issues and share with one another, my mind immediately goes to one conversation we had in our cabin chats where we talk about our favorite parts of the day, our least favorite parts of the day, and what we’re looking forward to the next day. One night we talked about what Kesem means to us in one word and one of my campers put it best when he said that Camp is a haven. I think that, for a lot of our kids are used to being labeled as the kids whose parents have cancer and so they’re already fighting that prejudice of being seen differently from the rest of their peers at school when they’re not here. So camp is really powerful because It’s the one place where they’re not the black sheep, where they’re understood by everyone through a shared experience. It's a space where you can open up and know that what you say will fall on open ears and truly be heard, a safe space to talk about these things. That’s why camp is my favorite place and why Kesem is a haven for these kids.

But what I love most about camp is that Magic. Kesem magic is very much an intangible thing that we talk about, a shared bond if you will. We have an expression that we say all the time “Camp self, Best Self” where you really see the best of everyone at camp because it’s this safe place where everyone understands you and it just brings out the best version of yourself. Once during meal time, “Everytime We Touch”  started playing and we all started dancing and singing at the top of our lungs, including myself. I don’t sing. I don’t dance. But I just remember going all out during the song and thinking about how camp really does bring out the best version of yourself and everyone around you because you’re not afraid to do something that you wouldn’t normally do because you’re surrounded by such a great community.

This community is bigger than you think and the impact that you have on each of it’s members is also much larger than you think. I remember in my second year, I was on leadership and didn’t have any campers to myself, but on the last day a camper named Whiskers wanted to say goodbye to me and I ran over to him. I had this cape that I had worn for a theme day that week and gave it to him right then and there but he refused to leave before he was able to sign my shirt but was in such a rush that he misspelled his name. Even though I wasn’t with Whiskers unit that year, it made me feel so great that I had a lasting impact that carried throughout the year and whenever I look at that shirt, I think back to that moment. 

It’s moments like these that I wanted to have beyond just that one week of camp; moments with the campers and moments spent bonding with the other counselors.  The day after camp ends, the countdown to the next camp begins. It’s just that something that I look forward to throughout the year and I love how I am with Kesem and who I am at camp. So I applied to join the executive board and decided to get more involved, eventually becoming director and working on planning camp for 2020. And even though it’s often a thankless job it’s surreal that I’m one of the people in charge of making sure these traditions and the Kesem magic doesn’t come to an end. Cherish every moment in this haven because you really only get a small amount of time with these kids and every moment is precious.

-Michael “Gauze” Snider, UNC Chapel Hill Class of 2020

Check out the full interview with Gauze below for an in-depth explanation of why Kesem is Haven as well as some amazing talent show stories!