Conrad Liu

I’ve lost three of my grandparents to cancer. And, right after we met and started dating, my fiancé’s dad was diagnosed with cancer and had to go through chemotherapy for 2 years and has recently come out of remission and is going through treatment again. Seeing the toll that it took on a family and the toll that it took on my then 16-year-old boyfriend was something else. At age 16, you’d like to think that they’re somewhat older and more mature, but then to imagine how a 6-year-old or a 12-year-old might deal with this horrible and traumatic happening in your family? I just wanted to get involved and help people at their worst of times and that’s made my relationship with my fiancé all the stronger. So when I first came across Kesem, my fiancé told me I should do it and that’s how I got into it.

When I first joined, Kesem at Duke was pretty small, but the people I knew who were involved absolutely loved it. Scatter, another counselor, was a part of my living community and he was one of the most passionate people I had ever met, especially about Kesem. He ignited the light within each one of us and made us super passionate about it before we even knew what Kesem was even about. At first, you don’t fully grasp it but the passion that everyone has is truly exciting and I loved that everyone was so open whenever we got together, all the camp counselors, a bunch of 20-year-olds singing and dancing like we were 5 again and that brings out a joy that you don’t typically find on a very stressful college campus.

Kesem attracts a certain type of person. At least at Duke, Kesem attracts individuals who see the beauty in each person, who are grateful for the differences and excited to learn from each other. Not only that, but they love human connection and strive to create a deeper connection with every individual that they meet. Kesem attracts those types of people who care less about grades and more about experiences and friendships and others; those who care more about making a difference in this world rather than just getting an A on a test. I saw that clearly through Scatter and the others in this community, who loved without borders and cherished each other, always willing to help one another out and celebrated one another. That’s a big aspect of Kesem, not so much forgetting about yourself, but stepping outside of yourself to appreciate others. That’s something you don’t fully understand until you experience camp yourself.

So on that first day of camp, when all of the returning counselors were already super  stoked, I didn’t quite get the hype. I wasn’t totally convinced, but I was excited, nervous, and slightly confused because of all the dances that you had to learn on the fly. But, at the same time, I felt so welcome and comfortable. As the kids started coming in, I saw that Kesem was a place where you could be yourself and literally everyone celebrates that. I saw kids  who hadn’t seen each other in over a year hugging and crying, so excited for another week together. A week flies by really fast for us, but, for younger kids, a week is a long time- so long that they’re able to build friendships that will last them for the rest of their lives and that is beautiful to see and to watch grow.

When I think of Camp Kesem, there are so many words to describe it: family, hope, strength, community, love, but, most importantly, healing. I think it is healing for each one of these kids who comes to camp and even thought they might have come to camp last year with a parent that they no longer have now, they are all able to get together with the other kids and share these experiences without having to ever talk about it. They are able to understand where others are coming from without it being the sole purpose of camp. The real purpose of camp is to heal these broken hearts. The summer before camp was the worst time of my life, I was suffering from panic attacks every other day. But then, by going to camp, I was reminded of the strength within each of us through these kids, from the 6-year-old who doesn’t quite understand why their mom is no longer home to the 16-year-old who understands all the complexities but don’t quite know how to handle it all and are already going through a tough enough time in their lives. Kesem is a great place for everyone to come together, whether it’s around cancer or anything else that’s going on in our lives.

One experience that sticks with me to this day is one with my camper at the lake. That first year, she was bawling her eyes out because she was young and didn’t understand why her mom was no longer home and she just didn’t understand where she had gone and she was screaming at the top of her lungs, crying “Mommy, where are you?” She was upset, and angry, and understandably distraught. So, we went down to the lake and simply dropped leaves in the water and through the ripples I told her that that was her mom answering her questions. For the next hour, we dropped leaves in the water and she taught her mom how to speak Spanish, she told her how she was going into the third grade this year, and told her all of the stories that she wish she could have told her in person. Most importantly, she told her that she loved her. Then, the next day she asked if we could go back to the lake again and I think experiences like that are what make Kesem. It’s a place to be healed, a place to realize what it means to be human and that there is nothing more important in this world than those around us. Kesem is a place to become whole again.

That moment with that camper was definitely when the Kesem magic became real to me, but the magic of Kesem is really in the everyday: it’s in waking up at 6AM and being ready to go because being awake at Kesem is better than any dream you could have dreamt the night before; it’s in the big moments like Dino Egg Hunt where the older kids are helping the little kids chase the counselors painted in blue and green and buying into the fun and silliness of it all; it’s in the belly flop contests or the random dance parties; but it’s also in the smaller moments, like when a camper goes over to another kid sitting out by the basketball court who doesn’t really want to play and starts picking grass with them and talking about dragons. Kesem is a place without judgement and that magic cultivates, cherishes, and applauds that. That magic is so apparent that some kids even freeze their water bottles and take a sip of it every month because they just love camp water so much. And even though that water is pretty normal, that’s the Kesem magic that connects them. It brings them back to the place where they feel safe and loved and cherished. That is Kesem.

And it’s the kids that drew me back. It’s that pure joy and community that is so refreshing. Coming back that second year, my last year, I was traveling back and forth between camp and grad school orientation. It was hard but I couldn’t stand the thought of not going to Kesem one last time. Moreover, I couldn’t stand the thought of something that I love so much as physical therapy coming in the way of something else I loved so much like Kesem. But that year was something in it of itself. I would go from learning about syllabi and dress code in the morning to screaming and dancing and playing at camp in the afternoons and I was always so grateful to come back to it because I realized that the energy was so infectious and even though I would only be at camp for a few hours each day, I would feel completely different each time I left because I had just been around a bunch of kids having fun and just enjoying being alive and being surrounded by people who love them.

That last day, for me, was heartbreaking. I could literally feel my heart heavy. It’s kind of like when you graduate high school or college and you feel that chapter ending and you know that these goodbyes are forever. You’ll never get to relive these moments and all you’ll have going forward are the memories. I remember saying goodbye to my favorite campers, giving them huge hugs and telling them all the things that I could have ever wanted to say to them. As I drove away, I knew that I had to let go of that last bit. But, even to this day two years later, I sometimes still wonder how my campers are doing, if they’re still playing volleyball or what they look like know or if they like their school’s football team or if they like high school. I think I will always wonder that about them, but that’s one of the beautiful things about Kesem is that it’s more than just a week of camp. It’s something that lasts a lifetime.

So go all in without any reservations, don’t hold back for a single second. Start dancing before you even get to your first meeting. Open your eyes and soak it all in because only then will you catch glimpses of some of the most beautiful smiles and the most beautiful moments between two people. Be unapologetically you when you go all in because Kesem is healing. Kesem means that you’re never alone. This community shows that you are so much greater than whatever you’re going through and that you’ll always find someone who you can confide in who will build you up. Kesem will make you appreciate the differences and realize that the most important thing that we have in this life is one another and that even in the worst of times that we are alive, we are breathing, and that we’ll get through it all together.

-Ana-Clara “Guppy” Caldwell, Duke University Class of 2018

For an in-depth analysis of Messy Games and more empowering stories on why Kesem is healing, check out the full interview with Guppy below!