Conrad Liu

I first discovered Kesem at the activities fair my freshman year, the people tabling just seemed super excited and wanted to tell me all about what they did and that left an impression on me. I ended up not applying but the next year a couple of my good friends were raving about it and I knew that if they loved it, I would too. 

My own personal experience with cancer isn’t the same as the campers but I’ve definitely been exposed to it. My dad is a surgical oncologist so I’ve always known cancer as a concept. It was one of the things that he was most fascinated about. My grandmother died of breast cancer when I was around 7 or 8 and all I remember was that it was a confusing time, but I don’t think it affected me the same way a parent’s cancer would have and so I remember the process but I would never claim to have the same experience that a camper at Kesem would have. I do think that was part of the motivation to why I wanted to join since it has been part of my life beyond just the community.

Even before camp, I had a sense of what the cause was and it seemed really important to the people who were involved and I saw that and wanted that for myself. Before you get to experience camp for yourself, it’s really up to the people who are involved and leading to convey that experience and I think that was something that they did well and showed me how important what we were doing was before I even got to experience camp.

And then camp came around. I remember that first time meeting my campers and just being so nervous. You want so badly for these campers to have the most awesome experience, but all you’ve known so far is training which only really prepares you with the fundamentals and so I was prepared for the worst. But that wasn’t the case, the campers were awesome. I remember specifically during the talent show, my camper wanted us to lead a guided meditation and then in the middle of it just scream into the microphone and scare everyone. I had never done that before but seeing him get so excited about that plan made me so happy, there was no way that I was going to say no to that. This camper often times didn’t show his excitement and I was worried that he wasn’t having a good experience at camp, so whenever he did get really excited and was able to let loose for a bit those were the really special moments and I remember them so clearly. Some of the best moments were ones where I would see him sometimes getting into it and catch participating in the cheers and we would always have this back and forth with dumb jokes and I really loved it. And while he didn’t speak at the Empowerment or share at the bonfire, he ended up sharing a little bit with me and Clover. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to share, that alone was amazing. 

During Empowerment I cried, a lot. There’s definitely an element of trust there and it’s that way for everyone. Perhaps it’s a little different for the campers, but I can speak from my perspective that you’re in a group of so many people and in Empowerment you just let yourself feel what you feel and don’t hold back. It’s complicated to listen to stories that aren’t your own, a thought crosses your mind “Is it fair for me to be moved so much by this when it’s not even me who’s taking the brunt of the impact?”  My conclusion is that you should let yourself feel what you fell but acknowledge as you’re hearing these stories that you’re lucky not to have had the experiences that they’ve had. To be vulnerable in that space and to be yourself takes a lot of trust, to share your stories and know that no one is going to judge you and that people understand. You can’t really get that anywhere else but that trust is built up so quickly it permeates all of camp, so that’s why I say Kesem is trust. The emotions in this time are just so raw and I was in awe of seeing how these kids at different ages and stages of maturity shared their stories and talked about their situations. To see a 7-year-old confident enough to say how they’re feeling in front of 100+ people is just as incredible as the older campers stories. Both extremes and everything in between are really powerful. When one of the younger campers explained how her mother had passed away from cancer she just said “It made me really sad” and that really pure expression just makes you think that it isn’t fair. Then you see a 14-year-old share with a much more complex understanding of their parent’s cancer and seeing that contrast all in one night is very stark. But overall, it’s just powerful to see people sharing and feeling comfortable enough in this space to do that. You feel so privileged as a counselor that they would trust you to hear them and the other campers too. It’s so special and powerful and really hard to put into words that unspoken sort of trust that’s built up through camp.

To be in at camp and have this whole space as a time for just summer camp things and have the opportunity to share in any way that is really healthy and positive. I think that’s what makes camp a happy place, especially because these kids know that they have a space to share and process at any point if they need to. The counselors at our camp are really something else, it’s just a group of really wonderful people who care so much and are willing to do just about anything for these campers, to be willing to put ourselves out there and be dumb, you just have to have the right people and I think that we really do and that’s what makes the people of camp so amazing. You see that especially on the last day. 

On that day, when all the campers leave, it’s an amazing feeling. Seeing the parents come back to see how happy their kids are after a week of camp and hearing about how much they loved it , those are moments that I will always treasure because that’s what it’s all about. Some of these campers come in really different and aren’t super happy before camp because of their situation or have been having other troubles but in that moment when they come to pick up their kids you can see just how much it means to these parents in their eyes, how much they wanted that for their kids, and how they trusted us to do just that. It was in that moment that I really saw the magic and what it was all about. So I laugh at the notion of “doing my time” because that’s so distant for what it actually is for me. Once I had been to camp once and seen firsthand what camp meant to not only the campers but to their families it just increased my sense of importance of camp. Who knows what impact camp will have on a child who, for the most part, doesn’t feel like they have someone to talk to about what they’re going through? All of sudden they’re surrounded by this entire community and then the rest of their childhood is different, that’s just so crazy to imagine. At the very least, there’s the impact of making them happy while they’re at camp and a sense of comfort for the parents knowing that their kids have a place and a community. That impact is basically immeasurable for one kid and we’re doing this for 200? You know what I mean? Once you’ve been there you just want to keep going back.

I want to do things that are worthwhile and important in my life and Kesem is one way that I can do that right now so there’s no way that I would ever leave. It’s never been about having done something good for the feels, but it’s knowing that this is a good thing and continuing to do that good thing as much as possible. It’s one of the proudest things I’ve done in college and I know that every minute I spend working towards our goals in Camp Kesem is worth my time so much more than other things I can do in college. That second year when I came back, my camper’s mom wrote on his application that the kid that she had picked up was no the same kid that she had dropped off. He was so much happier, a completely transformed individual, and that’s when I realized just how much of an impact the Kesem magic has. I felt that magic for the first time at camp but it’s really hard to pinpoint when because it’s always there. You feel it at camp when you see how much camp means to these campers and their families. you feel it when you’re together as a group. You feel it at Empowerment, especially in those quiet moments afterwords. And, you feel it once you’ve been together at camp as counselors outside of camp through the people. The beauty of the relationships formed at camp are that they transcend boundaries and social barriers that otherwise would have been there. We’ve all come together and shared this one thing and been vulnerable and to feed into that culture is what makes Kesem such a trusting place for the counselors as well. 

So be ready to open yourself up and be vulnerable at camp because it’s a really special place where social class and other barriers just don’t matter. Leave that behind and put yourself out there all the time because that’s what makes the experience so special and f you’ve never been to camp be excited about it because it will literally change your world. But savor it while it lasts, that’s probably a general thing for all college students but just try to treasure your time in Kesem and make every moment really good because you never know when you might lose it. Kesem means a lot, it’s something that I’m proud of having been involved and the community I’ve gained outside of camp is just so special, it’s a place where everyone can trust each other and there’s so much honesty in the community and that’s so special because community like that is hard to find. 

- Matthew “Pace” Mosca, Duke University Class of 2020

To hear the story of the guided meditation scare and the impact of Kesem on the parents, check out the full interview with Pace below!