Conrad Liu

I’ve never had anything like cancer affect my family, so I don’t know what that’s like but I can only imagine what it’s like to be a kid in school and have something that really emotionally affects you. It’s hard to pretend that everything is normal and feel like you can talk about it when there’s no one there to understand what you’re talking about. It’s such an isolating feeling to be going through that at such a young age. I spend a lot of time with kids and I love kids  so when I tagged along with a friend for the Kesem information session my first year and saw a video of the kids, I knew immediately that I needed to be a part of this organization.

When I first joined, Kesem was just getting started at Duke. We only really had GBMs and Make the Magic and these things called milk parties that I steered clear of because I thought that was absurd. But now it’s so much easier to join Kesem and come into camp feeling like you know a lot of the counselors and feel this enormous sense of community throughout the year, we’ve done a better job now of showing people what Kesem is like before they even get to meet the kids.

You don’t really know what your camp experience is going to be like before it starts and at training they prepare you for the worst, even though I wasn’t there the entire time. But, I remember that first day of camp starting from the second my camper showed up. I remember walking her all the way to the dining hall where we sat and just played games. I remember meeting my other camper and Pretzel. Everyone’s just vining and having a good time and already so happy. The second that it starts, you’re off to the races and it’s the greatest week from the first to the last second. You just have fun and it’s so great. My first camper was really shy so I would just sit with her and introduce her to everyone. I don’t know what it is but it’s just very automatic to recognize that you’re there for the kids as soon as they show up and it’s all about them and you lose awareness of yourself and do everything you can. You lose all sight of yourself and you’re just here to make these kids as happy as you possibly can and everything you think about for the next week is just about that and it’s beautiful. That mindset shift is so automatic.

Camp isn’t just about cancer. One night, we had our cabin chats with our 6-9 year olds that use open-ended questions that allow for the kids to talk about cancer if they want or whatever else is on their mind. One of our campers had been to camp before and knew the premise so she started talking about cancer. Like when you ask the question “If you had three wishes what would you wish for?” the first answer is “I wish my parent didn’t have cancer.” But, with Daisy, my other camper, it was really interesting. I will never forget the first thing she said. “I wish my sister would graduate high school because no one in my family ever has.” That was eye opening, the fact that she had so much going on in her life that didn’t have to do with cancer that we were able to talk about all these other things. It reminds you that cancer doesn’t define these kids, especially when they’re that young and a lot of the time there they have so many other things on their mind and they see the world in such a different light. Camp isn’t just a place about cancer and it’s not about how we can help them with there cancer, because we really can’t do much, but it’s such a safe space for these kids that they’re able to grow in a million different ways that has nothing to do with cancer and that’s amazing. Daisy, started out really shy, but had a really great sense of humor so my favorite moments were just the ones walking back from the dining hall when we were alone and she would just crack me up and think that it was the greatest thing in the world to get me to laugh. Pretzel and I would try to get that funny and happy-go-lucky side out of her. And that’s what struck me about this space. This community isn’t just about cancer, though that is part of what makes it so strong, but it’s a space where everyone around knows what they’re going through and they don’t have anywhere else that allows them to leave cancer at the door when they don’t want to think about it. Kesem allows them to space to be more self-loving and confident and all that. Daisy exemplifies all of that for me and watching her grow over that first week is what I distinctly remember, her confidence and humor.

This community is a space where you have nothing to be worried about and can say anything you want. I think the counselors play a large role in setting the stage for that by being so goofy and saying silly things and doing things that maybe would be embarrassing but pretend like it’s not. Anytime a kid is embarrassed by anything, you just go and do the same thing. Small things like that are so cool because you have zero things to worry about when you’re at camp and that’s something that these kids doin’t get to experience at any other point in their life. These kids experience their mom with no hair, or the smell of the chemicals when she gets home from chemotherapy and doesn’t want to play with them because she’s too tired. That definitely worries them and they definitely don’t want to talk about it and they don’t have to. At camp there’s this unspoken understanding that all the kids have with one another and their time together only strengthens that bond. I think that’s why we do Empowerment on one of the last nights; all week you’re not necessarily talking about cancer but you don’t have to recognize that you’re in this community that knows what you’re going through and these kids know that. There are so many things going on in their lives at home that camp is so refreshing for them.  At camp, they don’t have to worry about what’s going on for a week and it really opens up the door for them to be so unbelievably comfortable that, at a certain point, they’re fine to talk about it and understand that there’s a sense of healing from forming that community and opening up to that community. Even the younger kids recognize that they’re comfortable and just start talking. 

During Empowerment, I was so ready, I felt so connected to my campers that I felt ready to support them through anything and even though my camper didn’t say anything I wept for her when her older sister got up and shared about her father’s brain cancer. Daisy didn’t really need a whole lot of support that night but when Sunshine, another camper, spoke she said a few things and then started crying and ran off the stage. I was the one who went after her and we sat outside and she held my hand and said “I miss my mom.” and I realized that nothing I could say would make her feel better at that moment. That was difficult. 

Obviously there’s a lot of sadness at Empowerment and that’s a normal thing to have, but at the end of the ceremony, we all got up and formed a huge circle and listened to Never Alone together. Everyone was quiet and crying and holding each other and supporting each other. Looking around the room to see that I literally felt a wave through my body. This was the Kesem magic, an out of body experience where I realized that this was the most amazing thing that I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life. At that moment, I started sobbing. The song is about being there for you whenever you need anything and that you have support from this community. I realized in that moment how much this community was going to matter in my life and how much weight it would carry for me. I just wanted to be able to sing that song for my kids and really mean it, to be that person for some of these campers and I recognized in that circle that every kid had a counselor that would do the same for them, someone that they can confide in and be their rock, and that was beautiful. It’s a moment that you never want to let go.

And you don’t want camp to end, ever. I could do that for so many weeks and I know the kids don’t want to leave either. But Kesem does a good job of building up to the day they have to go home, the last full day is literally a day about community and love and how close we’ve gotten with celebrations like color wars and the talent show. As I said goodbyes my first year, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go to camp the year after, but I told my campers that I would see them the year after that. It was hard. I wanted to hang out with those kids all day long and imagining waiting another 365 days before being back was so hard. 

My first-year it was all about this week in the summer that would be amazing and we would all come out as best friends, but after camp I realized it was about the kids and recognizing that I get to be a part of the best week of their year and that I get to play a small role in making that better for them and making them happier and putting a smile on their face brought me back. Once you’ve done a week of camp, it’s part of your life and there’s no way out. In my heart that sounds so cheesy, but I can’t stop smiling and talking about it. It makes me so happy. So be as present as you can, every second that you can because it’ll go by so fast and it’s such an important thing to watch your kids and see the beautiful little things. One that I’ll never forget is when Rainbow met Kyle. Kyle is nonverbal so Rainbow went home that year, learned sign language just so she could talk to him that next year. She was 9 years old, how incredibly beautiful is that?

You might be nervous your first day, especially if you’ve never been a camp counselor before. It’s funny because what I’d tell you to help is something that is so automatic that as soon as camp starts, you’ll realize. It’s all about the kids and no matter how your campers respond that week, you’ve made an impact on their lives just by showing up and being there and being attentive and caring for them no matter how that looks. It’s the absolute tiniest things that you do that makes such a difference, those are the moments that mean the world to them even more so than the big moments. What’s going to stick with them is the fact that they woke you up at 2AM one night to pee and you were excited about it. That positivity and happiness that camp brings is so beautiful and those memories that I have with these kids are one that I’m going to hold for the rest of my life.

-MacKenzi “Pipes” Simpson, Duke University Class of 2020

To hear about the mattress fiasco at training, the accidental name reveal, and why Kesem goes beyond cancer check out the full interview with Pipes down below!