Conrad Liu

I didn’t join Kesem until my sophomore year of college and honestly I’m still not sure how I first heard about it. All I remember is that it had such a reputation on campus for being a wonderful community and the few people I knew it just raved about it. So I thought I’d try it.

My mother has a rare type of tumor that doesn’t metastasize. Even still, she would go in for different treatments and had surgery and when I was in middle school she went through chemotherapy. While it was never a life-endangering situation, I think that experience definitely motivated me to join Kesem because I remember that time in my childhood being a very confusing time. It was very sad and I don’t think I really understood what my mom was going through at the time. But as I got older, I realized the gravity of the situation and just wanted to do something to help kids who have gone through situations like mine or worse. That’s why I joined Kesem.

A lot of people probably feel the same way but I didn’t really feel like I was a part of Kesem when I first joined until that training. I mean, I was in all of the group chats and had met some people but I really didn’t get it. But then, at training, it was just completely different. I was completely out of my comfort zone for the first time since freshman year but everyone there was so kind and I know it’s cliché but that was the first taste of the Kesem magic, how warm and positivity and loving that community was. I felt like a better person just by being at training and I couldn’t imagine how much better camp would be.

And then camp came around. That first year, I was in HAP, the older age group and had three campers who had been going to camp for the past 8 or more years and were all best friends. I remember feeling like a fourth wheel that first day and was a bit scared thinking about what I could even do for these girls who have been to camp for so long. The power imbalance through inexperience was apparent and I thought that I would have to really make an effort to infiltrate this group, but they were so sweet that all of that soon faded. One thing that I think Camp does really well is it’s programming, so during the days we would do really fun activities like bubble soccer and capture the flag but then at night we would have  programming that talks about the more serious things in life, and it ramps up in intensity throughout the week. That first night, we all got around the campfire and did an activity called Hopes and Fears where everyone wrote a hope and a fear and put them in a bag and when we were all finished we were randomly given a pair. Right off the bat, there were some really serious fears like “I’m afraid my mom is going to die” and at that moment I was reminded again that this wasn’t just a summer camp. But there were other moments too like someone wrote “I hope Trump wins” and a couple of the boys snickered when that was read but that was also just a reminder of how young these kids are. They’re teenagers dealing with such a serious situation but they’re still immature sometimes. Despite the immaturity that night, it was really beautiful to see how those kids started to open up and remember why they were there throughout the week, sharing their own stories by the end as well.

And it’s not their fault they’re immature, right? These kids are so young and this is such a serious thing to talk about. The questions asked aren’t ones that they hear in their everyday lives, especially relating to cancer. But, we try our best to ease them into that space. That first night of Hopes and Fears is anonymous, but on Wednesday night we do this activity called Speed HAP where two counselors sit at a table and ask questions to the kids as they rotate around. During that activity I remember one camper in particular, Brady. Throughout the week, Brady was a bit of a troublemaker and had this too-cool-for-school attitude. But during Speed HAP when he was at my table, he was the only one of the three kids that never did. During that entire time he just touched his head and looked down, it was so clear that he was physically uncomfortable being in that situation and talking about those things. And when we asked him point blank his thought on cancer he abruptly said, “I mean it sucks, it sucks” and he was tearing up and you could tell there was so much anger behind his words but he didn’t really open up. And even though Brady wasn’t ready to share his story then, these activities were really giving these closed off kids a space where they could begin to process and talk through this difficult situation that they were going through.

And then Empowerment came and I just remember crying. The whole camp gets together in the auditorium and before we go in the directors go around and do an activity called Making Rain to set the tone, and all the campers and counselors realize that they’re surrounded by people who have experienced similar things and I think that really allows the kids to feel supported. So when they do speak up and share in that space, they’re not just supported by their counselors, who might be patting their back as they’re telling their story, but it’s the other campers there, listening, supporting that really makes a difference. Being around other kids who really know what they’re going through more so than their friends back home could ever is so beautiful. Seeing the kids sitting together and nodding and crying as others would share their stories showed me just how connected these kids were and how much love they had for each other it’s just amazing to witness. And then after Empowerment we have smaller bonfire sharing and that was so moving. A lot of the HAP campers didn’t share in front of everyone on stage but when we were with just our group they shared their stories. There was this one camper, he must have been 14 because he looked like he was 12, who was the sweetest kid, who shared his story. He told us the story of his father and how he had cancer and went in for surgery to get it removed and how the surgeon missed 0.1mm of the cancer and then it grew back and his father passed away. But he wasn’t mad at the surgeon, who was doing their best, it was just an unfortunate situation. And I just remember sobbing heavy, ugly tears because stories like that were just so hard to hear and the kids felt that same way, hugging each other, crying. It was during this time that Brady also ended up sharing his story and crying, but all his friends were there comforting him through that and it was just so beautiful. Kesem gives these closed-off kids a space where they’re comfortable and without Kesem I don’t think Brady would have ever been able to do that, to be vulnerable, because it takes so much courage to open up like that. But to have assurance that someone will be there for you after you share, that’s the love that Kesem brings. 

It’s a cathartic release to be able to share in this community and feel the love between the campers and counselors. As I was crying quietly off to the side during the sharing, Penny came up and put his arm around me and just stood there with me, that was such a small thing but one of the most comforting things that showed me just how special everyone here was. And after the campfire when we were walking back to our cabin, one of my campers just blurted out “Do you guys believe in God?” and immediately apologized for asking that, but you know, even though we hadn’t had any deep conversations up until that point and they didn’t share during either ceremony, we sat in our beds and just talked about it and what we thought. The little things.

And it’s the little things that happen throughout camp that make the big things, like when we’d practice TikTok dances while waiting for everyone to change for the pool or these riddles that we would tell throughout the week or this game we’d play called “Perfect Partner, but” or just diving into the pool or belly flopping, it’s just so great. The little things happen because of the big things but it’s these things that just make camp so much fun.

Camp isn’t just about cancer. I remember one night we just had a sleepover with all of the HAP campers where we stayed up all night and danced and the counselors. We played Bubble Soccer one time and I just got decked, just flew straight up into the air, we played Capture the flag, and just so many other fun activities that you can do that you end up bonding without even realizing it. And on that Friday, it’s just relay races and messy games and I just remember laughing all day and smiling. One of my favorite or rather funniest moments was during messy games when I was a chicken nugget. Basically the kids did an ice bucket challenge on me and then poured flour all over me and my hair was literally like pizza dough and I couldn’t get any of it out. My campers and I went in search of oil because I had looked up that it was something that could help get the dough out of your hair. So we ended up all the way back in our cabins where we found some oil and they just poured it in my hair and we all just tried to get the dough out and we were all laughing so hard and having so much fun, it was great. You just become close friends with everyone because of how much time you spend together.

And then the last day comes. I remember the kids leaving and I was just standing there crying as their parents came in. It was weird knowing that this was the end, because we had gotten so close. It was just sad. But it was beautiful that we were able to have all these experiences that we so amazing and you just leave that week feeling on cloud nine. Going home and thinking about camp for the entire week afterwards and telling my parents all about it, the activities we would do during the day, the little inside jokes that would come up from the kids doing something silly, the programming that allows these kids to open up and share, and just the bonds that you make. I think all of those things are what make Kesem worth it. Like sure, on the surface, donating to Kesem isn’t going to find a cure to cancer but that’s not the point. The point of Kesem is to make a really bad time for these kids a little bit easier and I think that actually seeing that in real life, there’s nothing more gratifying. You get to see these friendships and interactions in real time and know that without Kesem that would have never happened. 

With Kesem, you don’t have to be a certain type of person. You just show up and it embraces you no matter who you are, everyone is so kind and good by virtue of what Kesem is. Not only the counselors, but the campers too. This community is just full of endless positivity and love. So don’t be nervous when you join Kesem, this space is really just an opportunity to hang and be with really kind and fun people and not have any pressure. It’s so different from academics because you’re working towards this common goal of giving these kids a way to cope with this really hard thing through a really fun experience. Everyone uniting around that goal, the goal of Kesem, is so beautiful to see. It spans all social groups, all class levels, etc. you just automatically make friends in this community and I’m so grateful I got the chance to be a part of it.

-Christine “Shred” Bergamini, Duke University Class of 2021

To hear more empowering stories of love and the penguin riddle that took a week to solve, check out the full interview with Shred!